The Academy Awards are coming up. Here's what would happen if Premier League clubs were Best Picture nominees.
Oscar night is just around the corner, and many of you spend so much time thinking about European soccer that your brains may not be prepared to switch gears and think about movies. Lucky for you, I've put together this handy guide, translating the Best Picture nominees to Premier League teams. When the big night comes around and you're hanging out with normal people for a change, you can at least pretend you know what's going on.
Manchester United - Lincoln
Oh, look! The most acclaimed director ever put the most celebrated actor of his time into a historical drama about a beloved American icon? Why are we bothering to have this award show? Likewise, the most venerated manager in the history of football signed the best player in England to a team that was already very good. Just hand them the trophy already.
Chelsea - Django Unchained
Plagued by accusations of racism by the media. About a guy who wouldn't be nearly as successful (to put it mildly) without the help of a wealthy foreign benefactor. The movie has an insanely high body-count, rivaled only by the Chelsea managerial hot seat.
Everton - Beasts of the Southern Wild
It's a low budget Indie film that's completely overrated and has no business being in the conversation for any awards. It's the hipster choice for fans who don't want to root for one of its big budget competitors. It tugs on your heartstrings and guilts you into loving it, but really it's just empty pretentious bullshit.
The little girl looks exactly like Fellaini, and they're both basically the only good part of the whole pointless endeavor.
Tottenham Hotspur - Argo
Ben Affleck produced, directed, and starred in this one man show. He's got a supporting cast, but nobody worth mentioning and frankly nobody really cares.
Also, probably not very popular in Iran.
Stoke City - Life of Pi
This movie's supporters pretends it espouses a profound ideology, showing audiences another way of looking at the familiar world. But oh no wait, it's completely terrible. There's nothing subtle about this ham-fisted travesty as it bludgeons you to death with its stupid pointless message of stupidness.
Liverpool - Zero Dark Thirty
Taught us all about the joy of torture and how effective it is at getting results. Watching the team's performances for most of the season have certainly felt like being waterboarded. The early season tragedy of on-pitch results, behind the scenes malaise, and episodes of Being: Liverpool have finally broken Liverpool fans' spirits, and their minds have been warped into supporting Brendan Rodgers.
One movie's name is going in this Best Picture envelope, and it's not Liverpool.
Swansea City - Silver Linings Playbook
Another hipster choice for Best Picture. Nobody's actually seen this movie, but everyone agrees it's rather good.
Manchester City - Amour
Just because some foreign nonsense won last year doesn't mean it's going to happen again. And unlike The Artist last year, you can't even delude yourself into thinking you're watching it because it's an interesting and ambitious project. You're just a douchebag.
Like every Michael Haneke film, it's completely dour and miserable--much like Mancini's football. The only difference is, this movie was actually successful in Europe.
Newcastle United - Les Miserables
♫ I dreamed a dream of the season gone by, so different from this relegation battle we're living ♪
Everybody was so excited about it and everybody keeps talking about it, but just shut up already because nobody cares. The Broadway show is actually really good, kind of like last year's version of Newcastle. But this version is completely terrible. Also, it's about lots of French people who suffer and die and are miserable, which is Newcastle's season in a nutshell.
Pretentious, overrated, and weirdly obsessed with kids. Also includes frequent shots of a sad old man in a stupid rain coat. Not actually nominated for best picture because of course it isn't.