Happy Monday, Spursland! I hope you woke up in an exciting fashion this morning. Maybe one of your kids did a running drop kick into your genitals (an old favorite of mine). Maybe the dog woke you up to go out at 4 am then refused to go because he got distracted. Regardless, in the future I really think the best way to start your day is exactly like this.

And now the "news"

Bild Reporting That Spurs Can Secure Holtby Now For 2 Million Euros- 101 Great Goals

Easy now, boys. That was not the deal Dan Levy hooked up, and you know what happens when you try to alter a Dan Levy deal...he makes you poop your pants. It doesn't go well for you.

Moutinho Back On Spurs Wish List- Caught Offside

Um, I was not aware that he had ever left our list. I mean, he never left my list. Did I miss an email? Moutinho is in Leandro territory now. He never leaves the wish list and he never leaves another club to come here. More than that, now that we have Sandro, Scottie, Dembele, Big Tommy, Little Tommy, Livermore and Holtby coming in, do we need Moutinho?

Chelsea Looking To Sign Modric- Footy Latest

Wow, so it turns out that he is not the pigeon. He is in fact a troll, which makes sense if you look at his face. What a douchehole.

Meet The New Queen Of Everything- SB Nation Kicking Balls

Or as I call her, "Self-identifying Fun Mom," and we all know the SIFM is never actually fun to be around. Think Amy Poehler in Mean Girls. Just desperately trying to be cool and because of that effort, failing miserably, and deep deep down knowing it in her bones. Carolyn Radford is not fetch.

Jurgen Names Squad For Winter Camp- Stars And Stripes FC

Holy shit, Jurgen hasn't been fired yet? I just assumed he had from all the negativity that invades my twitter feed like a Tartar horde whenever the USMNT plays.

Lampard On His Way Out At Chelsea- We Ain't Got No History

Don't worry, John Terry will still be around to hate.