Editor's note: This game was only on the radio and Pav sucks, so this is our match report. Enjoy!
WARNING: THIS POST MAY CONTAIN OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE AND THOUGHTS. APOLOGIES
Gentlemen (I'm making the wild leap that less than 0 females grace us with their presence at CFC), today was not a very important day for Spurs, nor were there very many momentous moments occurring elsewhere in the league. Arsenal was down at one point, but pulled out a victory, and even so, its just Carling Cup. The number of shits I give is a whole number less than 1.
Anyway, the reason for this post is that we at the CFC Commentariat have discovered a traitorous, useless, lazy, malodorous, malcontented, sloppy, non-skilled sack of fail masquerading as a player in the THFC squad. His alias is Roman Pavlyuchenko.
PLEASE BE AWARE. THIS "ROMAN PAVLYUCHENKO" WILL ALLURE YOU WITH HIS BOYISH LOOKS, SUPPOSED ABILITIES AT THE INTERNATIONAL LEVEL, AND CONSTANT QUOTES ABOUT WANTING TO SUCCEED AT WHITE HART LANE. FALL FOR NONE OF IT AND REMAIN VIGILANT IN BOOING THIS MAN. (if someone could post the boo this man gif, that would be much appreciated)
After the jump, I'll outline the precise reasons for pucking fav.
Fail #1. Work Rate - Documented over and over again, this impostor of a player is lazy. Its not so much the kind of lazy where he doesn't put in his full effort in having the ball or making a tackle, its more his general lack of drive in getting to those points. On so many occasions, his positioning is pure SHITE and as such his ability to contribute is affected
Fail #2. Brain Freezes - Although this is more a disease than seemed to afflict all of the Spurs strikeforce last season, Pav still continues to demonstrate a remarkable lack of composure in his decision making when has the ball. Either making a wrong decision, trying to make the glamorous shot/pass instead of the simpler more productive one, or any of his other various fails. There seems to be no way to get through his thick skull that he needs to be smarter.
Fail #3. Consistency - This may seem a bit contradictory, but the fact that Pav has on a few occasions been quite productive is what makes him an even bigger FAIL. With a player like Alan Hutton, his abject lack of quality or any soccer skill whatsoever made him an easy target, someone who never contributes positively and should have ZERO place in a side. But Pav's few moments of success seemingly give him this "tantalizing" quality, which makes him difficult to leave out when pressed to put in strikers not named Defoe or Adebayor.
Fail #4. Smiling Even As He Fails - Now we're really digging deep for stones to throw. Some athletes are always smiling (a la Donovan McNabb) regardless of how it's going. But Pav's constant little boyish grin absolutely drives me up the wall and into my cave of insanity. STOP IT YOU DOUCHE RECEPTACLE
Fail #5. Row Z - To the loyal commmentariat, this is self-explanatory. The only thing Pav seems to be able to do on a regular basis, aside from smile, is to blast at least one or two solid chances into the stratosphere. And judging by today, that includes penalty kicks. Maybe in the year 2072, when sports are played in outer space, Pav might be world-class but right now he's pure, untreated GARBAGE FILTH.
Again, APOLOGIES for any offensive language and the length of the article.
Long Live the Commentariat
If you had a choice, what would you do with Pav
Start Him Everyday and Twice on Sunday, he's Obviously Class (10 votes)
Only Play Him in Non-Prem, Non-CL matches (30 votes)
Chain Him to the Bench (7 votes)
Sell Him for a Bag of Peanuts (40 votes)
Ship Him to Easter Island (30 votes)
117 total votes