Tottenham Hotspur Sign Marek Hamsik Because I Said So

Anonymous sources have confirmed to Cartilage Free Captain that Tottenham Hotspur have completed the signing of Napoli's Marek Hamsik, pending a medical and sorting of the bank guarantees, neither of which is expected to hold up the deal. The 24-year-old star will join Spurs immediately and is happy to be trading in Edinson Cavani and Ezequiel Lavezzi for Peter Crouch and Roman Pavlyuchenko.

"I'm ecstatic to be leaving the home of the world's best pastas and pizzas for some of the world's most mediocre teas," Hamsik said. "This is a dream come true for me and my family. I've never really dreamt of playing under competent management in the Champions League and I am glad that will never be a concern for me again."

It is unknown exactly how much Spurs will pay Napoli for the Slovakian, but it is expected to be in the range of 43 galleons and 19 sickles. Tottenham chairman Daniel Levy is currently negotiating the financial guarantees with Gringotts, but the club has a good relationship with the bank after they sent David Bentley to work the vaults last month so it should be sorted out well in advance of the transfer window closing.

The people most excited about Hamsik's move to Spurs are the children in North London. Hamsik is the most adorablest of players in the world who has a reputation of taking to the streets to play football with children, something he will now be doing in the England capital.

With Hamsik in the fold, Harry Redknapp is now free to chase his dreams and bring Craig Bellamy, Joe Cole, Scott Parker and Elton John to White Hart Lane. All four are expected to take turns being painted gold and posing as the cockerel atop the West Stand at White Hart Lane

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